):

I told my parents. More family to come. I'm being cut off and will probably have to live with my aunt, if I ever want to go to school again.

I'm really depressed.

But on the one and only plus side, I'm wearing a cute outfit with hijab and would look totally fabulous if I didn't spill salad on my skirt and ice cream on my scarf.

I'm Risking It

I think I'm going to "come out," so to speak. What happens happens. Worst case scenario, I move in with my aunt, put off school for a couple years, and study languages while saving money. . . I'm sure my parents will forgive me and accept my decision in time. But now I wonder when to do it. I'm really scared to do it in general. . . Maybe I should do it the weekend following Eid. Soon, but without feeling guilty for tearing family ties before Eid. It's silly, really, since I won't be celebrating Eid, anyway. Looks like I'll be stuck in shopping hell and going to my hometown.

I may tell them when we get back into town. I'm really nervous. Please make du'a for me!

Maybe I should start posting as my nickname. Maybe I should wait until after. . .

Things I've Noticed?

Now, I'm a pretty horrible Muslim. I'm certainly not trying to say I'm better than anyone else. I'm not. At all. If it weren't for terrorists tainting the name of Islam, I would consider myself the worst Muslim ever. But there are things that I think are basic things, that so many born Muslims in my community don't give a moment's thought.

One thing, feet. Uhh. I know that's a grey area, and a lot of people feel women don't have to cover their feet, but I thought that they do is a majority opinion? At least in our community. There's a sign about it not far from where these bare toes pray. . . I personally don't worry too much about the tops of my feet showing when I'm out and about (unless it's cold, of course), but I make sure I wear socks when I pray, because it's better safe than sorry. And then I feel like the only one in our rows with socks. It's a funny feeling.

Oh, and did I mention that these toes usually have nail polish on them? And the fingers usually have matching polish on them, too? I want to say something, say that wudu won't be valid if it can't hit your natural nail, but. . . I'm afraid of how they'll take it. Afraid they'll be like, "Well YOU blah blah blah," and they don't even know the half of it. And this one girl I met on Eid went to the bathroom and didn't make wudu at all! And since they were all praying, they were obviously not menstruating. . . Or maybe they were. They don't seem to know anything about impurities and prayer.

But then, like I said, I'm a horrible Muslim. I could make a post about my flaws to make your head spin. I'm reminding myself before anyone else, of course.

Al-Safa Pepperoni Pizza

The verdict?

HORRIBLE. It's true I am a pizza snob (I've worked at a pizza parlor for nearly a year and a half and eat it at least twice a week), but this was just awful. I didn't even get to the pepperoni, which is just as well, since it smelled nasty. The cheese and the sauce turned into one and was horrible and had this nasty aftertaste and I literally GAGGED. . .

I do like crappy frozen pizza on occasion, so I don't think it's just my snobbiness. I've had normal frozen pizza, bagel bites, hot pockets, etc. But this crap was just HORRIBLE. ):

Depression

I've been feeling very depressed and unmotivated lately, and I think I've discovered the cause. I'm losing everyone. I'm losing my family and my friends, all for this. Of course it's worth it, in theory. But it's enough to make me want to break down and give up on everything in life, and do nothing but sleep all day.

You can say, "If they don't love you with Islam, then they're not worth it!" but whatever. Family is always worth it. I can't think, "Oh, they're not worth my time." Not with the people who raised me, who nearly raised me, who I have known for all of my life.

And as for the friends, it's not a conscious effort. It's just happening on its own. I've become less relate-able and I'm losing one of the people I care for the most.

This is transferring over to depression in all respects. I can't handle this anymore. I'm not going to give up on Islam, but I am so tempted to give up on life. Why bother being social, when it's all doomed? I'm too conservative for the non-Muslims, but WAY too liberal for the Muslims. I haven't posted much about that kind of thing here yet, but I am pretty controversial with my opinions. . . I'm in that fuzzy grey zone where I can't befriend either demographic, and it sucks.

I have no motivation for school, which I have always loved. I almost want to drop out. ME. DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. It all seems pointless when I'm living a lie. After I decided to change my major, it all seemed stupid. My new major is just as interesting to me, and far more practical. But I have no motivation to do a damn thing.

I just feel too depressed to function. :/