Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Spirituality Troubles?

I haven't been motivated in a long time, and I've gone from barely practicing to not practicing to wanting to but feeling lost. Oddly, my family drama had no effect on me like this. . . In fact, it made my faith stronger. But then certain internet "celebrities" got me questioning. Or really, the responses to certain celebrities leaving got me questioning. I found it hard to associate myself with a group of people I disagreed with, and. . . I know it's stupid, but it happened.

I planned to start wearing hijab starting the new year (keeping with the idea I've had in my mind since I was young that you should start goals at certain points, and that a new year is as fresh of start as any), but now? I have a long way. I need to figure out the basics again. Sort of a personal Islam Renaissance. Does anyone know how I should go about doing this? Have you been in a similar situation before?

Thanks muchly. <3

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Inferiority Complex

You guys are great and I love your comments, and reading your blogs. But I need to take a step back and meet some more moderate or "liberal" or "sinful" Muslims. Every day, I pull up Google Reader, and I am made to feel like a horrible person and that I'm going to hell. I can't take it anymore.

I feel like I can't post here as the person I am, or I'll get attacked. Now is that healthy?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Some Things About Me

My name is Maddie. It's short for Madison, but I posted here as Madiha for a while, and eh. I really just like being called Maddie. I don't like Madison, and Madiha is nicer, but I'm not fond of it either. So, Maddie.

I have weak iman, but I'm working on it. . . Sporadically. . . I sometimes go days on end without praying, which I know is bad. I don't want to be told it's bad, because that's obvious. But I would love advice on how to pull through. (: I'm very weak. I didn't buckle during the horrible week I had last week, but when I saw the actions of some Muslims, my faith was shaken. I know that's ridiculous, but I don't know what to do.

I'm 19 (my birthday was this last Sunday) and I am a college. . . junior, I believe? I took community college courses for duel credit during my last two years of high school, if you wonder why I'm freshman age and a junior. I should still take 2.5 - 3 years to graduate, though, because the classes I needed to progress in my major weren't offered at the community college. . . Plus, I just recently decided to switch my minor from Anthropology to Spanish. And I actually need to change the focus of my major. I was majoring in writing, but now I'm planning to study linguistics. Shouldn't be that big of a deal, since it's all English. But you still have to make it official. Blah.

I'm currently learning Mandarin. It's hard, but I like it. I can read and hear better than I can speak or write. I can never say what a tone is on a word, but I somehow manage to pronounce it right from memory. I don't know how that works. I have a final tomorrow, and this post is procrastination on studying for it. (:

Back on being Muslim: I'm slow. I'm a part time prayer, a girl who still needs to make up her Ramadan fasts, and a part time halal eater. At the new year, I plan to be a part time hijabi. The goal is to eventually be full time in all of these, but I don't know when that will happen. I'm considering going back and trying to pray before worrying about anything else. Hmm.
I also always forget to say "Bismillah" before eating, and "Alhamdulillah" after. I don't know why. Even when I stare at my plate and think, "It's halal!" (ie: remembering Islam), I always forget to say those. Ugh.

I should study.

I kind of sort of fail at Hanzi. In previous tests, Li Laoshi (李老师!!!! Look how fancy I am!!! "Teacher Li") always gave us the characters in other spots, so there may be one or two we wouldn't know. But um, not sure if the final will be the same! Blah.

I can remember the characters we learned early on. . . WAY early on. I can read pretty much all of them, both knowing the meaning and the pronunciation. But I can't remember how to write. Yeee.


I'm staying after all, and my mom is pretending that nothing has happened. It's a bit unsettling. On Monday, I was disowned. On Saturday, I got a call asking what kind of cake I want. Um.

Finals are in progress.
Effemell. ):

visited 21 states (42%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

Because LJ is down, lookie! I included car rides, but not plane connections. I don't have conscious memories of some of these states, hurhurhur.

(That should be "I don't want to study Chinese tonight," but I probably messed up somewhere. Which is just lovely, since I have a final in about 12.5 hours.)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

<3 <3 <3

Alhamdullilah, my stepmom and dad still love me and will support me in any way they can.

The situation with my mom is worse, but at least I know I have some immediate family to fall back on. (: