I've been feeling very depressed and unmotivated lately, and I think I've discovered the cause. I'm losing everyone. I'm losing my family and my friends, all for this. Of course it's worth it, in theory. But it's enough to make me want to break down and give up on everything in life, and do nothing but sleep all day.
You can say, "If they don't love you with Islam, then they're not worth it!" but whatever. Family is always worth it. I can't think, "Oh, they're not worth my time." Not with the people who raised me, who nearly raised me, who I have known for all of my life.
And as for the friends, it's not a conscious effort. It's just happening on its own. I've become less relate-able and I'm losing one of the people I care for the most.
This is transferring over to depression in all respects. I can't handle this anymore. I'm not going to give up on Islam, but I am so tempted to give up on life. Why bother being social, when it's all doomed? I'm too conservative for the non-Muslims, but WAY too liberal for the Muslims. I haven't posted much about that kind of thing here yet, but I am pretty controversial with my opinions. . . I'm in that fuzzy grey zone where I can't befriend either demographic, and it sucks.
I have no motivation for school, which I have always loved. I almost want to drop out. ME. DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. It all seems pointless when I'm living a lie. After I decided to change my major, it all seemed stupid. My new major is just as interesting to me, and far more practical. But I have no motivation to do a damn thing.
I just feel too depressed to function. :/
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"Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of ALLAH: for without doubt in the remembrance of ALLAH do hearts find satisfaction." (Quran, 13:28)
ReplyDeleteYou will be in my du'as. Believe me, I know how hard all this is. I am still afraid of telling my parents about my conversion. I am so sorry to hear about your friends. Insha'Allah you will reconnect with them and find people who will love you for who you are. You mentioned you were in college; is there a Muslim Students Association you could check out?
As for your depression, I would recommend dhikr, du'a, and just taking it easy. No matter what, do not give up on life, as tempting as it may sound. I have been told that converts are often given difficult tests to see if we are true in our faith, and the shaytan often tempts us as new converts because he knows that we have found Islam and wants us to turn away from it. But remember this verse:" On no soul doth ALLAH place a burden greater than it can bear" (2:286). I have a pamphlet on Muslims and depression, and I can send you some of the quotes and prayers from it if you want.
Love always, and assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu
Walaikumsalaam
ReplyDeleteI am only fifteen but Mashallah it is so beautiful and amazing that you have had this in your heart to convert to Islam. I can understand that this is a hard step. But be strong and make du'a to Allah Subhana Wa Ta alla to make you strong in this decision of yours. I wish you the best in your steps and I will make du'a for you Inshallah. I would say you should stick to your step and not give up on the world, hold in there and stay strong because Allah is always testing us. I was actually born into a Muslim family alhamdulilah but I wasn't very islamic but over the last few months Allah had guided and englighted my heart. Mashallah and now today was my first day to school wearing the hijab. This was quite a big desicion for me to make. But it felt beautiful. I just want to wish you the best of look.
Ma'aslaam insha'allah
Love, Zara x
P.S. This is my blog--> www.Inspired-Author.blogspot.com
i have a vague idea where you're coming from although i could never fully understand. i have to admit i think you're amazingly strong to have gotten as far as you have, i would have given up ages ago.
ReplyDeletethe not-wanting-to-leave-those-who-raised-you-even-though-you-dont-get-on dilemma is something i have to deal with. it's hard enough being an adolescent and arguing with your parents but when theirs' and your culture clash in such massive ways, you just cannot see a way through. and you don't want to take a step which says A is more important than B when you love them both equally. But then sometimes they can't co-exist and trying to force them to just makes the situation worse.
i also never thought i'd want to drop out of school. i defered my exams last year and am affectively repeating a year although im barely goin to lectures. if you find your motivation, please send me some =]
oh.and you can always befriend me. i'm too liberal for the muslims but too conservative for the non-muslims too, altho probably for different reasons than your own =]
x