Spirituality Troubles?

I haven't been motivated in a long time, and I've gone from barely practicing to not practicing to wanting to but feeling lost. Oddly, my family drama had no effect on me like this. . . In fact, it made my faith stronger. But then certain internet "celebrities" got me questioning. Or really, the responses to certain celebrities leaving got me questioning. I found it hard to associate myself with a group of people I disagreed with, and. . . I know it's stupid, but it happened.

I planned to start wearing hijab starting the new year (keeping with the idea I've had in my mind since I was young that you should start goals at certain points, and that a new year is as fresh of start as any), but now? I have a long way. I need to figure out the basics again. Sort of a personal Islam Renaissance. Does anyone know how I should go about doing this? Have you been in a similar situation before?

Thanks muchly. <3

Inferiority Complex

You guys are great and I love your comments, and reading your blogs. But I need to take a step back and meet some more moderate or "liberal" or "sinful" Muslims. Every day, I pull up Google Reader, and I am made to feel like a horrible person and that I'm going to hell. I can't take it anymore.

I feel like I can't post here as the person I am, or I'll get attacked. Now is that healthy?

Some Things About Me

My name is Maddie. It's short for Madison, but I posted here as Madiha for a while, and eh. I really just like being called Maddie. I don't like Madison, and Madiha is nicer, but I'm not fond of it either. So, Maddie.

I have weak iman, but I'm working on it. . . Sporadically. . . I sometimes go days on end without praying, which I know is bad. I don't want to be told it's bad, because that's obvious. But I would love advice on how to pull through. (: I'm very weak. I didn't buckle during the horrible week I had last week, but when I saw the actions of some Muslims, my faith was shaken. I know that's ridiculous, but I don't know what to do.

I'm 19 (my birthday was this last Sunday) and I am a college. . . junior, I believe? I took community college courses for duel credit during my last two years of high school, if you wonder why I'm freshman age and a junior. I should still take 2.5 - 3 years to graduate, though, because the classes I needed to progress in my major weren't offered at the community college. . . Plus, I just recently decided to switch my minor from Anthropology to Spanish. And I actually need to change the focus of my major. I was majoring in writing, but now I'm planning to study linguistics. Shouldn't be that big of a deal, since it's all English. But you still have to make it official. Blah.

I'm currently learning Mandarin. It's hard, but I like it. I can read and hear better than I can speak or write. I can never say what a tone is on a word, but I somehow manage to pronounce it right from memory. I don't know how that works. I have a final tomorrow, and this post is procrastination on studying for it. (:

Back on being Muslim: I'm slow. I'm a part time prayer, a girl who still needs to make up her Ramadan fasts, and a part time halal eater. At the new year, I plan to be a part time hijabi. The goal is to eventually be full time in all of these, but I don't know when that will happen. I'm considering going back and trying to pray before worrying about anything else. Hmm.
I also always forget to say "Bismillah" before eating, and "Alhamdulillah" after. I don't know why. Even when I stare at my plate and think, "It's halal!" (ie: remembering Islam), I always forget to say those. Ugh.

I should study.

I kind of sort of fail at Hanzi. In previous tests, Li Laoshi (李老师！！！！ Look how fancy I am!!! "Teacher Li") always gave us the characters in other spots, so there may be one or two we wouldn't know. But um, not sure if the final will be the same! Blah.

I can remember the characters we learned early on. . . WAY early on. I can read pretty much all of them, both knowing the meaning and the pronunciation. But I can't remember how to write. Yeee.

Eh?

I'm staying after all, and my mom is pretending that nothing has happened. It's a bit unsettling. On Monday, I was disowned. On Saturday, I got a call asking what kind of cake I want. Um.

Finals are in progress.
Effemell. ):


visited 21 states (42%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

Because LJ is down, lookie! I included car rides, but not plane connections. I don't have conscious memories of some of these states, hurhurhur.

我今天晚上不想学中文！！！！
(That should be "I don't want to study Chinese tonight," but I probably messed up somewhere. Which is just lovely, since I have a final in about 12.5 hours.)
我想睡觉。）：

<3 <3 <3

Alhamdullilah, my stepmom and dad still love me and will support me in any way they can.

The situation with my mom is worse, but at least I know I have some immediate family to fall back on. (:

):

I told my parents. More family to come. I'm being cut off and will probably have to live with my aunt, if I ever want to go to school again.

I'm really depressed.

But on the one and only plus side, I'm wearing a cute outfit with hijab and would look totally fabulous if I didn't spill salad on my skirt and ice cream on my scarf.

I'm Risking It

I think I'm going to "come out," so to speak. What happens happens. Worst case scenario, I move in with my aunt, put off school for a couple years, and study languages while saving money. . . I'm sure my parents will forgive me and accept my decision in time. But now I wonder when to do it. I'm really scared to do it in general. . . Maybe I should do it the weekend following Eid. Soon, but without feeling guilty for tearing family ties before Eid. It's silly, really, since I won't be celebrating Eid, anyway. Looks like I'll be stuck in shopping hell and going to my hometown.

I may tell them when we get back into town. I'm really nervous. Please make du'a for me!

Maybe I should start posting as my nickname. Maybe I should wait until after. . .

Things I've Noticed?

Now, I'm a pretty horrible Muslim. I'm certainly not trying to say I'm better than anyone else. I'm not. At all. If it weren't for terrorists tainting the name of Islam, I would consider myself the worst Muslim ever. But there are things that I think are basic things, that so many born Muslims in my community don't give a moment's thought.

One thing, feet. Uhh. I know that's a grey area, and a lot of people feel women don't have to cover their feet, but I thought that they do is a majority opinion? At least in our community. There's a sign about it not far from where these bare toes pray. . . I personally don't worry too much about the tops of my feet showing when I'm out and about (unless it's cold, of course), but I make sure I wear socks when I pray, because it's better safe than sorry. And then I feel like the only one in our rows with socks. It's a funny feeling.

Oh, and did I mention that these toes usually have nail polish on them? And the fingers usually have matching polish on them, too? I want to say something, say that wudu won't be valid if it can't hit your natural nail, but. . . I'm afraid of how they'll take it. Afraid they'll be like, "Well YOU blah blah blah," and they don't even know the half of it. And this one girl I met on Eid went to the bathroom and didn't make wudu at all! And since they were all praying, they were obviously not menstruating. . . Or maybe they were. They don't seem to know anything about impurities and prayer.

But then, like I said, I'm a horrible Muslim. I could make a post about my flaws to make your head spin. I'm reminding myself before anyone else, of course.

Al-Safa Pepperoni Pizza

The verdict?

HORRIBLE. It's true I am a pizza snob (I've worked at a pizza parlor for nearly a year and a half and eat it at least twice a week), but this was just awful. I didn't even get to the pepperoni, which is just as well, since it smelled nasty. The cheese and the sauce turned into one and was horrible and had this nasty aftertaste and I literally GAGGED. . .

I do like crappy frozen pizza on occasion, so I don't think it's just my snobbiness. I've had normal frozen pizza, bagel bites, hot pockets, etc. But this crap was just HORRIBLE. ):

Depression

I've been feeling very depressed and unmotivated lately, and I think I've discovered the cause. I'm losing everyone. I'm losing my family and my friends, all for this. Of course it's worth it, in theory. But it's enough to make me want to break down and give up on everything in life, and do nothing but sleep all day.

You can say, "If they don't love you with Islam, then they're not worth it!" but whatever. Family is always worth it. I can't think, "Oh, they're not worth my time." Not with the people who raised me, who nearly raised me, who I have known for all of my life.

And as for the friends, it's not a conscious effort. It's just happening on its own. I've become less relate-able and I'm losing one of the people I care for the most.

This is transferring over to depression in all respects. I can't handle this anymore. I'm not going to give up on Islam, but I am so tempted to give up on life. Why bother being social, when it's all doomed? I'm too conservative for the non-Muslims, but WAY too liberal for the Muslims. I haven't posted much about that kind of thing here yet, but I am pretty controversial with my opinions. . . I'm in that fuzzy grey zone where I can't befriend either demographic, and it sucks.

I have no motivation for school, which I have always loved. I almost want to drop out. ME. DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. It all seems pointless when I'm living a lie. After I decided to change my major, it all seemed stupid. My new major is just as interesting to me, and far more practical. But I have no motivation to do a damn thing.

I just feel too depressed to function. :/

Food!

I'm trying to be more observant, and I came across some PARENTS CAN'T TRACK ME cash, so I decided to go shopping! I bought. . .

- halal turkey sandwich meat
- a halal pepperoni pizza
- a halal whole chicken
- halal ground beef
- vegetarian (gelatin-free) yogurt
- vegetarian (rennet-free) sharp cheddar cheese

Among other things, of course! I'm just happy that I can be observant in food for now. Of course, I'll be stuck when my parents invite me for food, but whatever! And I'm going to eat what meat I have until it's gone before eating my new food, since it's very bad to waste food and all. :D And it's not like Food Bank will want my perishables!

I am a little grumpy because I live in a small town, so my halal source is this dirty little Indian market. I was hesitant to buy from there, because it was less than sanitary. . . The first time I came in, I was swarmed by flies and mosquitoes. . . But I took comfort in the fact everything I bought was still in its original packaging, so meh. And I know the owner gets the meat every week from the nearest good-sized town. But okay. . . The frustrating part:

When I first came in, I asked if there was any chicken breast. The worker at the time asked, "Boneless, skinless?" and I nodded. She said no. She then said she would tell the owner so he could get it on Friday. Okie dokie.

I came in yesterday and went up to the counter, and the woman recognized me. "Are you waiting for the meat?" I nodded. "He should be here in half an hour."

I didn't have time to sit around for a half hour, so I came back today. I saw there was indeed more food, but that meant they had goat now, and more of the turkey sandwich meat. So I asked the owner, "Do you have any chicken breast?"
"Boneless, skinless?"
"Preferably."
"No."
"I was told you would get some yesterday. . ."
"It doesn't sell well because it's more expensive than the whole chicken and the legs, so I don't buy much of it. It's sold out." I found this suspicious, since it had been less than 24 hours since he came in with the new supply. . . But whatever. So I left and decided to come back, since "I'm too white to know what to do with a whole chicken" is probably a bad excuse in the eyes of God! Maybe if I come in consistently, they'd be more willing to cater to me. Maybe I can get my white meat chicken eventually, insha'Allah.

In the mean time, does anyone know what I should do with the chicken? I really haven't the faintest clue what to do with a whole chicken. I don't have a fryer or a rotisserie, so if you have any tips on oven baking or crock pot, I would appreciate it! :D

In Reply to Banana Anne. . .

Insha'Allah, we will both have the courage to tell our families as soon as possible.
I don't think I ever mentioned this on this blog, but I told my parents when I first converted, and they threw a fit and nearly threw me out of the house. Sooo, THAT is why I keep it a secret. I'll tell them when I'm independent and I'll hope they don't disown me.

One of these days, could you maybe write a post on how you get around praying and fasting without your family finding out? I would love to hear about that.
I didn't. -Shame.- I prayed when my family wasn't home, but my dad was around home a LOT when I still lived there, so that meant I didn't pray like at all, except on rare occasions. I started to pray regularly when I moved out, which was before Ramadan, alhamdulillah! I also went to Jumma for the first time after moving out. I'm very bad at sneaking around and lying, so um. . . I didn't. . . .

Also, do you wear hijab when your parents are around? I am assuming you don't
I don't wear hijab, period. I wear it when I'm around only Muslims (like, I wore it at the Eid party I went to), but I don't wear it when around my parents, or even if not. We live in a fairly small city, so even if I'm not technically seeing them, they could run into me, or someone we both know could. It's too dangerous. I do, however, dress modestly. I dress like a non-abaya hijabi would, just without the scarf. I wear long sleeve tops and either long skirts or long tops/short dresses over pants. When I visit my parents, I dress in whatever I know they would feel is appropriate for the season. . If it's warm, I wear short sleeves, but ONLY for when I'm there. I also don't wear dresses over pants when around them because my mom thinks it makes me look homeless. I'm sure she knows I still do it, but I don't do it in front of her because OMG I MIGHT EMBARRASS HER! My parents don't object to my love for maxi skirts, though.

If I do end up leaving the country for the summer, I plan to wear it. I'll take it off for touristy photos, since I know they'll expect photos, but I'll keep it on otherwise. Hoping this happens. (:

The following picture was NOT drawn by me, and I don't know who drew it, and I can remove it if it's yours and you object. I think it's a good picture:

Kind of a cross between these.

Eid

Sorry for the lack of updates; I have been so busy! Anywho.

Eid al-hadha is supposed to fall on Black Friday, which puts me in a bit of a pickle. My family is going to want me to go with them to a town where a lot of family lives, which means no Eid prayer, no further celebrations. It's very likely that I will be dragged from store to store. . . Black Friday has always been a love of mine, so refusing to go shopping would be very strange of me. Wanting to cut things short around seven would also be strange. Disappearing for the evening? Strange. And I can't do anything suspicious, because God knows what will happen if I get questioned.

I'm so tired of all this secrecy. I just want to be able to tell the truth, without a loss of security.

Eid al-fitr was amazing. It was just a random Sunday and I could do whatever I wanted. I went to Eid prayer, breakfast with a family I met, and went to a big community party which had everything from pumpkin pie to inflatable play-places. Er, in case anyone was wondering, a skirt and nylon tights is not a good combination for a slippery obstacle course.

The people I met on that day have been hesitant to keep in touch with me, and I've been sending a text every week or so, waiting for a real response. I don't want to be annoying, especially since they don't seem open to talking in the first place. . . I'm getting used to being alone all the time, though, I suppose.

I'll update later when I have something else that is Muslim-y to talk about, or when I have time. . . Don't hold your breath, heh.

Family?

I have been very marriage-minded lately, despite the fact I am only eighteen years old. Whenever I see a happy couple and their children, my face lights up in a huge smile. I try not to envy them, but it's difficult. There's nothing I want more than to have a spouse and children.

I feel like such an odd duck because I actually enjoy blogs that people post about their children. I can't help it - they're so cute!

So here I sit, a lonely single Muslim girl, with not even one proposal under my belt. Siiiigh. In good time, insha'Allah.


(Note: Picture is NOT MINE and used without permission. Found using a random search.)

Hello

This is my blog where I hope to post about the experience of being a secret Muslim, insha'Allah. I may post my story eventually, but as this is a public blog, many details will be left out. I'll try my best.

I'm currently looking for a cute layout. This one is boring, haha.